This is all a throwback

I cannot believe how time must have gone by so fast I am here remembering that I had a blog in high school where I use to post all the random stuffs that I see. I am scanning through my old photos and even those ugly feels I had for someone not quite long ago when I was in my first year college and my korean music addiction! I can just laugh of how childish and funny I was back then; writing in chinese characters my true feels for my crush making sure he doesn't understand it when he sees my blog and I greatly doubt and realized that he wouldn't find this blog. Omg I could just die laughing at how ridiculous my posts were. But on the brighter side I am writing back on this blog to express how happy I am to see myself growing and seeing things in a more mature perspective (although I still like Kpop more than I did before). This blog was my life before everything was changed, before I had to go on super depressed mode because of my studies. Well, as of today I am writing how well I had been since my last post (2012).

Let me continue from where I have left this blog with a post that is from Vigie. Lol I had to laugh at that post since he gained a crush award from me for helping me carry my bag. As a super dumb kid I misunderstood it and I totally decided that he was the one! (Ugh, can I get more annoying?) but really that was all too cheesy for me so that's why I liked him. I heard he got himself a good pack of pretty bitchy girlfriend and while I was walking back to the dormitory with my roommate I saw them holding hands and acting so dang sweet and cheesewiz. I decided to not reside on the cheesy side and throw my feels away. That ended nicely.

"I will love my hot korean guys even more and not have a crush on any regular guy!" I have finally pledged it to myself but since fate has its back turned against me. I again gave someone a crush award and that is were Alberto Fernandez Jr. comes marching in with a sprinkle of charming light, a great brow and a handsome face and makes me swoon all over again. (It's all about the power of imagination people). So there I was standing and admiring his beautiful face and asking anyone who that guy was. Until, the Love Gods has finally given up on my nagging and I had my chances and we became friends! Yey me! Do you know the feeling of being super happy and at the same time afraid? I was happy because finally friends na mi sa ako crush (okay so this is were I start mixing everything with Bisaya, since I'd want to really express what I really feel) I could talk to him whenever I want to without giving the slightest hint that I have feelings for him because friends just naturally come up to you. It's an unusual thing for me to talk to my crushes and be friends with them because makasabot dayon sila nga na crush ko nila usa mi magka friends and because of that dili nako ganahan mo tagad and ma ulaw na sad ko, so basically my loss. I'm afraid because I am falling and drowning myself to thinking that I like him so much that it hurts to see how we are doing well as friends and I might end up the happy story with my feelings. Well, it happened.

We started out as real close friends. Having mutual friends brought as to be friends as well. I had a crush on him for quite sometime; the rest of our friends didn't know my feelings for him but my roommate did which happened to be one of our mutual friend. It was quite assuring and comfortable that nobody knew my feelings for Alberto. It was satisfying seeing us being friends and myself hiding my feelings well. With Alberto, I honestly felt really comfortable; I don't usually talk to guys nor chat, text or even make eye contact with them especially when I like that certain guy. Never would I have the guts to talk to them longer than 10 seconds! I am not comfortable with guys honestly and I don't have much guy friends to start with but with him as a friend and as someone whom I had great feelings with, it was pretty nice to be with him not because of the fact that I like him but he treats people really nice. We chat with each other comfortably and he even shares his personal problems with me. I can have eye contact with him and not get awkward after. I can do solo walks with him and talk of school stuffs, he was even the first guy I walked with just the two of us sa Mall and I didn't really felt awkward ( I am an awkward person, btw ) though before he arrived ang ako kulba dili mabangbang. Hahahahahahahaha!

I wasn't expecting things to happen but he started coming to my dormitory room, one fucking day. We had long breaks and idk why but he pleaded to sleep in my roommates bed because he was super exhausted, well we all were. We had to keep the candle burning all night studying Pharchem and thank God all efforts were paid off greatly! Of course nalouy ko but seryoso? For him to stay in my room just the both of us is a bit uncanny, don't you think? I made him sleep and jusko! Ako nga tagiya sa room perting gi kulbaan. Ikaw kaha, imong crush nakitulog sa imo room di ba kaha ka kulbaan ug bonggang bonnga. And I believe that no girl dormer should let a guy enter her room. Oh ha? Nasaan na ang aking paninindigan? I kept going downstairs to convince the others to wake up Alberto and let him stay in their room instead but they suggested that he should stay there because our room has way more space than theirs.

So yes few days passed and he kept coming to my room. We shared random talks and we would just study for exams. Well, I am an awkward person but all the awkwardness was gone. Idk why it was just eliminated from my system whenever I am with him.

As they say all things must come to an end and so as this post. Lahat ng maliligayang araw ko ay natapos. My friends started teasing us since they knew my feelings for him idk how maybe obvious na ko kay as what I have said as days were continuing to come my feelings for him became worse than what I expected. And yes, he started to avoid me and we had less talks. He didn't came to my dorm room as he often did; it's not that I want him to come but it's sad that I see how I am losing one of my best acquaintances and distancing himself from me. I started to question if meeting him was of any purpose? I have to confess that my friends were one of those who ended my happy friendship with Alberto. I am not blaming them but they didn't care less of what it would cause. They were too busy seeing how I would react and experimenting everything just to reveal how I truly feel for Alberto. It hurts to see that I found fake friends, if they were the real ones they'd grab me and directly ask me how I feel for Alberto and dili mag sungog2 kunuhay ni Tipay ug Alberto human mag huwat kung unsa ang ako mahimong reaction? Dili man sa kay dili ko ganahan sila isungog2 hala ipa lamon pa lang uroy na ninyo sila sa each other I don't give a fucking pint of care. They could confront me and tell me that my feelings were affecting my actions and behaviors against them. Am I right? They could have analyzed and motherfucking realized that if they'd do the teasing they'd greatly affect someone's friendship?! I know, I am overreacting but isn't it right for me to complain and rant? I honestly didn't give a damn when that happened. Wala ko ni ingon nila nga nalain ko nila tanan esp nila Tipay, Loise, Eda, Monique, Ella, Rudyard, Merdi ( Yes, I will mention their names if I have to ) kay of course they would never hear me out. I just kept hurting. It's not like they noticed how sad I was nga wala na kaayo mi nag tagad ni Alberto. In all honesty, I wasn't even expecting Alberto and I to end up dating, of course hell no! I was happy to spend days with him and talk to him casually. I knew I had these uber feels for Alberto but it's enough for me to have him as a friend. I see him as a nice guy and loosing a friend like him would be a real pain for me.

Yes, I misunderstood Alberto's kind actions and our interactions as something I could hold on to that maybe just maybe he likes me too. But I started to realize that being friends are way better than that. Alberto is a nice guy. A really nice one. I haven't seen him for a while now and I wish I could see him again. I vowed to confirm that if we ever see each other I'd try to check and see how my feelings has changed over time or  has it even changed a bit for him.

And to my friends who did the parting of ways for me and Alberto. I do not blame you guys it's just that it really left a deep pain in me. You guys were supposed to make me see right through my feelings and asked me directly of what I felt and confronted me of what I was lacking and what I ever did wrong to you that made you feel upset. I guess, you guys would mark my false friends sign at last. #Sorrynotsorry I am just honestly keeping you for my sake.

Lastly to Alberto. Sorry. I never really intended to have feelings for you. Wala nako gi tuyo nga ma crush nimo, to like you and to admire you. Honestly, dugay na ko na crush nimo. First year pa lang, I held it in afraid nga mo layo ka kung makabalo ka labon friends na ta. But sadly, you did went a bit further away from me when you indirectly knew my feelings for you. Wala ko na crush nimo kay sige ka ug adto sa ako room, sige ka ug chat mag ask sa assignment or mo random text or chat ka. You might not remember doing all of these things but I do. Na crush ko nimo because you were simply you and you are one hell of an amazing guy. You might find this childish or others may too but I don't care, now is the time I'd have to type out my feelings for you. Remember that time in Tuburan, oh probably you won't remember it but when you took a photo of me, showed it to me and asked me first not to get angry of what you are about to show me? I was taken aback by that photo to be honest. Gi kilig bitaw ko and told you cooly nga dili e delete kay para memories. And that time when I asked you during sa party ni Gwen kinsa ang pinaka gwapa sa tanan girls nga naa sa party and you said nga ang girl nga naka sky blue ug dress, wala ko naka react kay nangita jud ko kinsa nang baye nga bigaon nga naka sky blue ug dress nga imo gi gwapahan ug sa dihang wala ko ka kita jud unya ikaw ga tingsi ra ni kita ko sa ako gi suot and oh ga sky ble lage ko nga dress. Nindot kaayo ka daklon? Pa asa ka ha? Ayaw day kay gi kilig na sad ko ato nindot kaayo ka sumbagon kay pakilig ka. And lastly that time after Gwen's party when I asked you if you would trade me or us for the odd looking girl (ooops ) and you said "Dili" and I asked you why and you simply replied "Kay cute man ka." Seriously? How could you do that Alberto? Ugh. I am so sorry if ga reminisce na sad ko. But through it all, I thank you for teaching me how to deal with my own heartaches. You are a great friend. You may not know it but you were part of my inspiration nganong naka pasar ko ug Biochem, Public Health, Micro, Pharchem nga hastang lisoda. You were a heck of an inspiration and for that Thank you Bong! Savior kaayo ka. I hope to see you soon and talk to you a bit more when we see each other if we do and if God would twist fate for us to meet again. I miss you Alberto and may all odds be with you. Good luck sa Pharma! Let's survive together!

Jang Geun Suk, filled my Summer. :*

I guess, he'll be replacing 'waray' instead for a short time. :3

To the fellow who carried my bag last 12/21/12, i'll never forget your help :)

If you ever see this and know that it's you that I mean, I guess you'll not be able to read & understand this. It really sums up all my feelings for you, kind of a confession.

btaw, thanks for the help, I owe you a lot. :)

您好！我只是想感谢你为我把我的包，我不知道原因，你为什么对我自愿把我的包，但请相信我，我真的很感激它，一点帮助，我很佩服你。我知道这是一种尴尬，但在第一，那么也许如果上帝能给我们再次交谈的机会，我可能会采取它作为一个大礼物，他。我会抓住这样的机会跟你说话更舒适，要知道，你甚至更好。这是很奇怪的，只是彼此打个招呼，有时当我们没有任何其他选择。我知道，有很多很佩服你，但我不介意。我没有看到它作为一个竞争，但作为回报，我尊重他们，因为我明白为什么他们会觉得这样的感觉对你的感觉，也许是因为你是什么样的人，真是你的笑容让我的心扑。

我知道，我奇怪的！

您好！大家早上好！我要开始我的日日新鲜，真正的！:D 我会微笑，好像一切是正常的。Fighting!! :)

My extremely dumb self -_-'

So basically, this is how it goes. (again, i don't wanna be blurting out my feelings to anyone so I'm posting it on my weird blog/diary & I'm gonna be mixing it with some vernacular language)..
on Valentines Day, well the day before that, i kinda decided nga mag hatag ug letter niya. I wasn't even sure if ako e hatag kay I am not that type of person to do stuffs like that. & oh by the way, here's the first try for the letter, I had to make another one because i misspelled his name. lol. XD so yea, that is the first failed  letter: 

On Valentines Day, I asked my classmate(HS)/room mate to give it to him in whatever ways but I wasn't really sure if I would give it to him, really! ga duha2 ko. I was gonna get it back pero huli na ang lahat na ibigay na agad agad ang letter, well my classmate(HS)/room mate handed it to my other classmate in HS who was his friend and dorm mate. booooooom! and my world eventually exploded. I didn't put my name man pud, just to have him thinking who gave him that (hopefully no one would find out about this blog/diary) lol. XD anyways, so yea. I had to laugh at what I just did. He kept on asking daw kung from who it was, hahahaha! i hope he wouldn't know. But now, I received a news that somebody gave him chocolates on Valentines and they talked and even gi hatod pa niya somewhere ang girl. aaaweee. and he even told the girl nga mag tagad na sila sugod ato. aaaweee again. he is such a kind person! considering others' feelings. :D but then, I feel sooo.. I don't even know what I feel right now. It seems like I'm gonna blow up or smth. -_-' I don't have any right to feel angry, or anything. maybe just sad? haaaay. ambot! so that was God's purpose of letting me give the letter to him even if nag duha2 ko. cguro, God wanted me to get the same opportunity he gave to that girl who gave him chocolates. God just wanted to be even. But whatever plans he has for me and niya. I don't know. I just trust God. that's all! but now, pde mag maoy magpa ka OA. human na btaw ko ug assignment wala pud koi study'hanan. kay bsag nag crush2 ko tawn naniguro pud ko'g skwela. haha. pka sad sah ko ron -_-' kay murag mu boto na ako kasingkasing tungod ha iya. :'( oh vits. T______T